JOHN MAYER » Appearances | Bio | Contact | FAQ | Interviews | Quotes Have a quote from a concert? Let us know! » Albany, NY (Credit: Jill) "Shit, I'm not even in the right key for the song I wanna play, you all are like 'get off the stage!'" "It's so great just rocking out on the guitar, but you're probably thinkin 'your song is becoming way to long mister.'" » Ames, IA (Credit: Tori) (After saying s**t) "I'm gonna stop swearing, I just looked at this cute little baby girl and she gave me a look... I'm gonna be Bill Cosby for the rest of the night." (Talking about looking through your phone book on your cell) "They suck, they're sleeping, they're sleeping, nah, nope, they suck... then you pick the one that sucks the least and call them. They'll do for now." "This is a song about lies and cheating and espianoge... just kidding." (before You're Body Is A Wonderland) » Amherst, MA (Credit: PooFoosLuva87, Brittany, Jen and Jill) Talking about how he likes a girl that he can leave in a room with his parents without being worried - "It's nice to be able to go to the bathroom and not be on a stupid shit watch." "Before i sing this next song i'd like to discuss a very serious topic. i fucking LOVE porno!. "Who needs prozac when you've got Arizona Iced Tea?" "Let me just get this off my chest... I f*cking love porno!" then went into a big speech about how little boys should find they're first porno and the internet is ruining it. He suggested everyone go out and buy a Hustler, roll it in the dirt, and plant it in the back of some elementary school to promote the real way to find porn. » Atlanta, Georgia (Credit: Tori) You know these concerts are like handy snacks, the crackers are the shows and the cheese is the energy. They just go together. Well...this is the last cracker, so let's bring out all the cheese!!!" » Auburn Hills, MI (Credit: Shannon) "You know when you buy a 12 inch sub, and you can't eat it all? 6 inches is too small... 12 too big. When you measure the uneaten sub it comes out to about 3 inches. They should make 9 inch subs. 9 is the new 12" "I think I just saw the coolest shirt of the tour. It says 'My custom t-shirt is cooler than yours.' Then there's the 'I love you John' and 'I'm pregnany with your child'...I'll talk to you later about that one." "My phone never rings...its just has the low battery sound." "Don't you hate that f**cking voice mail lady? I want to beat the s**t out of her." » Bonner Springs, KS (Credit: Jennifer) "This is the finest city on the tour so far....lots of fine girls. I bet it's great to be a milkman in the state of Kansas. There's probably a waiting list to be a UPS guy in Kansas. If there is, I think I'll change jobs." » Boston, MA (Credit: Dolly) "I can tell there are a lot of Avril fans here because there wearing ties, and I can tell the guys that are inspired by me because they're wearing dirty underwear." » Buffalo, NY (Credit: Lauren) First the John says to the audience when he comes onstage, "Hi, I'm John Mayer from Osaka, Japan!" » Camden, NJ (Credit: Christina) Right before playing "Come Back To Bed", "First time you ask her whats wrong.. 'nothing'. and then the second time you ask her she says 'nothing' and then the third time 'nothing'. and you know its not over yet because its only 2 am and this shit is gonna last till 4" » Camden, NJ 08/14/04 (Credit: Melissa) "Forget Charley, watch out for hurricane Johnny! You know, everybody loves the hurricane cause its not terrorism. It's not blowin shit up, its just blowin shit over...with water! Even the newscasters can't get enough of it, they're like 'stay tuned for the new pictures of all the stuff the water blew over!'" » Cary, NC (Credit: Christina) "I didn't get my license until I was 19. I know that makes me sound stupid, but My mom and I had a deal that I could get my license when i took an honors class in school. I was just your average student, but when I thought about it, if I didn't take a honors class until I was out of high school my mom would have to let me get my license." "Ok since almost all of the songs I've played so far have been about love your probably wondering what is wrong with me. For the most part I need a girlfriend or something. I cry when I see couples, and I'm not sure if any of you have seen this commercial but There is that one Coke commercial where the guy is talking and he is like 'When I first met her she had the most gorgous panties I had ever seen, but now, when I look in the hamper, her panties look like my mothers'. That is the grossest thing ever but I started crying cause I want that. Sometimes when I'm not on tour I will watch my friend's pets, at least then I have some company. I just really want a hot girl's company!!" After messing up one of his songs John said "How f***ing stupid am I? I can't remember the words to my own songs, yet I can remember every video game song ever!?!?!" Then he played The Super Mario Brothers Theme song. » Cincinnati, OH (Credit: Britty8283) "I wrote most of these songs in my alone in my underwhere." "Wow, you sing like angels" - after the audience sang along with him to a song » Chicago, IL (Credit: Brownies208, Courtney) "When I was in high school I told my mom that I'd give her $5000 if I could drop out of school and go straight to the music business, I'm really glad she made me stay in school." "I wanna play for you so bad I can taste it!" » Concord, CA (Credit: Lauren) "This is what we like to call in a songwriting community of, well... one... a boomerang song because you write it, you send it out, you think you're done with it, then it comes back and hits you right over the eye and you bleed and it comes down your face... and it's gross. ANYWAY. I refer to this song all the time and I have to tell you that it's kind of become a little bit of diplomatic immunity for when I wanna say stupid shit. I can play it off like anyone else, but inside, I'm crying like a little bitch." » Columbia, MO (Credit: JohnMayer172) Before singing Why Georgia "Us musicians all go through different periods. There's the acoustic period...then there's the electric period. This next song's from the no furniture period." "You know...when you get that thing where a bit of snot comes out of your nose...and it feels like it's down here (points to upper lip) but in reality, it's really still up there (points to nose). You know what I mean? You can get a bunch of crusty junk up there in the lower nose area and no one would ever see. Well, 90% of the time the snot just ends up there. The only reason I bring this up is that that happened to me...just now, when I was singing the third line of that last song. Did any of you see it?" "you know when you get that feeling when your brain says yes, but your heart says no. And your brain's like 'come on heart' and your heart's 'like come on John, make your brain shut up' and so you go 'just stop it, both of you' and then you all get in a huge argument" » Columbus, OH (Credit: Gracie) Right before "Bigger Than My Body" - "I've been getting a lot of crank calls lately. And most of the people who call, I find, just want to share their feelings. So, this girl called last night, and she called me a one-hit wonder. And that's just not true, because, I'm a two hit wonder..a two and a half hit wonder..two and a fourth.. so with this next song, we're going for 3.25 hits im my career." » Columbus, OH 7/31/04 (Credit: Amanda) The line from "Split Screen Sadness" that goes "Wait on your porch till you come back home" became "Wait in your bed till you come back home". » Dayton, OH (thanks Eduran) "This morning I was awaken only byt the urgent need to pee.. may you have many more days like that this summer." » Denver, CO (Credit: Ann, Johnathan and Katie) When talking about the havoc wrecked on the diaphragm when performing in such a high altitude, John said "What the hell. Jesus is my oxygen tank!" - When introducing Your Body is a wonderland: "This song is the reason I can't go into bars anymore." "Some guys use this song to seal the deal, but I never have." right before singing "Your Body Is A Wonderland." "I wrote this song in my underwear for no one." (Talking about "Your Body Is A Wonderland") » Detroit, MI (Credit: Jen) "Hey I'm not wearing any underwear!" Crowd screams, John shows a little of his boxers and says "haha, I was just lying, these balls are dry" » Grand Rapids, MI (Credit: Ciara) "Ya know I don't get to say this enough but, I have a new album coming out soon. And we sent it to a lab to see if there was any suck on it and after 36 hours of testing, it suck-free!" » Holmdel, NJ (Credit: Allzzy) Right before playing "Comfortable" for his encore: "I haven't played this song in a long time, but I really wanna play it tonight, so even if I mess up just pretend I'm still the coolest motherfucker around!" » Holmdel, NJ (Credit: Unknown) "When I stop singing from the heart, I don't know...I guess I'll write jingles (starts to sing) Tampons...Ohh Tampons." » Houston, TX (Credit: Jeri) "I'm glad you can sit here with me and listen to my bullshit. Oh, I'm sorry to the parents out there for saying bullshit. But you know what? It's my fucking show." "I want everyone to put their thumb and forefinger together and measure my head. If your fingers are actually touching, I want to thank you for coming." » Kingston, RI (Credit: Dave) "I usually don't sing happy birthday but it's kind of hard to ignore the big pink sign infront of me, so happy birthday Jocelyn. You know I don't wanna become like Fridays where I come out and sing happy birthday and Dave and I start smakin eachothers asses." "Okay, lets play what was John thinking during 'No Such Thing'. I was thinking about message boards. I usually don't go on message boards. I'm really a porn affcionado. At least it's consistant." John after messing up on "No Such Thing" » Knoxville, TX (Credit: Amanda & Maureen) Just before singing No Such Thing, "You see, when you write a song that a lot of people know, you can ramble on about anything before you start to play it. Like right now I could discuss feline herpes with you, and nobody would care." "So I had a dream last night where all I did was drink chocolate milk. And then I woke up this morning and I really f***in' wanted some chocolate milk. So we get here today and NO S*** theres like 3 gallons of milk on the lunch table next to this jumbo sized Hershey's chocolate jug. So I drank like a gallon. That's why I'm so f***ing happy tonight. CHOCOLATE MILK ROCKS!!" John later came out for the encore with a cup of milk, a hershey's bottle and a spoon mixing himself some chocolate milk. » Lakeland, FL (Credit: FsutennisGirl) "I usually just tell people that this song is all about discovering yourself, but im just gonna say it, this song is all about f***ing" before singing "Your Body is a Wonderland" » Los Angeles, CA (Credit: Mariel) "This song is an excuse," he said, before breaking into "My Stupid Mouth" "This song is responsible for exposing my sexual inadequacies to millions of people," he explained, introducing the popular "Your Body Is a Wonderland." "I'm glad I did that." "I'm not here," John Mayer said, flashing devil horns backstage "I'm not here," he said, bending his pinkie and index finger into a fist. "I'm about here, 45 degrees," he said. » Mansfield, MA (Credit: Jess) "'My Stupid Mouth' is a cross between an amateur stand up comedian and an asshole." » Maryland Heights, MO (Credit: Anna) "Thank you all so so much for coming. And hey, you guys (points to the lawn section) that are watching me on these screens, not onstage? Thank you guys even more. But hey, maybe act a little sooner next time, hmm?" » Marysville, CA 7/14/04 (Credit: Jacqueline) Between songs, someone yelled out "We love you John!" and he said "I love you too...women!" » Milwaukee, WI 7/2/04 (Credit: Ashley) John said "Live it up fuckers." Before 'Bigger Than My Body' » Mountain View, CA (Credit: Malena, Hallie & Lindsey) In "Comfortable" he replaced the lines "and she swears that she's artsy, but you could distinguish Miles from Coltrane." and said "...but you could distinguish me from Jack Johnson." Before "Tracing" he said, "this song is about when you first meet someone and you are getting to know each other and she's a vampire" and then he said some stuff about they are sucking the life out of you and trying to move to fast and then he said, "then you say 'how can you be in love with me it's only been 14 minutes'" During Homelife before he sings "I can tell you this much, I will marry just once..." he said, "this is the truth!" » New York, NY (Credit: Kyleen) "I brushed my teeth right before I came out on stage. I'm a big tooth guy. I want my breath minty fresh. It feels like I'm on a date." "Osaka, Japan, say hellow to Dela!" Then after the next song he said, "Being on the road can be rough and tumble, and someone backstage just informed me that this isn't Osaka, Japan - we're in Indianapolis!" "Much respect to the lawnies." "Yeah, I have a new record coming out. You paint your first picture and they go, 'Great job Johnny! It's done! (clapping)' and then I go.. 'Wait I have more.'" » New York, NY (Credit: Unknown Name) John introducing 'Bigger Than My Body', "Even if you know what you want to do with your life, there is no next day delivery service for it" » Indianapolis, IN (Credit: Melissa) The concert took place in the pouring rain. "You know, the only difference with being in the rain is that it hurts a hell of a lot more when you get your ass slapped." » Phoenix, AZ (Credit: Patricia) After coming back on stage for the encore, "you left and I was sad." » Phoenix, AZ (Credit: Grace) "Is it hot here? Yes you bastard, we live here" » Philidelphia, PA (Credit: Aviva) At the end, John wished everyone a happy Thanksgiving and said, "I hope you're in love. If not, I hope you're faking it awesome." » Pittsburgh, PA "We'll have lots of beautiful babies." At the end of the encore. "I shit you not. That man was Martin Sexton." Talking about singers who inspire him. "Now that's f***ing teamwork." After the audience had sung a full verse to "No Such Thing" by themselves. "Every guy wants a girl and a relationship with f***in' real trust. So much trust that I could call her up and be like, 'there was some hot ass in the audience today' and she'll be like 'oh yeah?' and I'll be like 'oooooh yes'. Every guy wants a girl that can appriciate hot ass." Right before singing "Love Song For No One" "There are some really beautiful girls in the front row tonight. But they're young. They're young." Two girls throw their bras at John - "And very well developed, too!" » Portland, ME (Credit: MyPalAl) After seeing a billboard for Cumberland Farms, John said "15 years ago, me and my brother, Ben, used to walk to Cumberland Farms and get those, uh, bubblegum candy cigarettes and pretend we were high. I guess now people smoke weed. ...And they still pretend they're high..." » Richmond, VA (Credit: Marshall) "I'm standin' up here lookin' at all these signs that say 'I love you John!'. There's another one written on a piece of loose leaf that says 'Let's screw John!' My answer to that is it looks like you try really hard, and there's one over there that says 'Ohio loves John!' and it is confusing the f*ck out of me!" » Richmond, VA (Credit: Becca) "Has a girl ever shut you out of her life and you start to envy the inanimate objects in her life, like a hairbrush, it gets to touch her, but you don't" "there is a great feeling tonight, a comfortable feeling, I think tonight is a jam night, I hope you don't mind me just playing random s**t" "I feel tired, but happy, really happy, It's like I've just had sex" » Ridgefield, WA 7/10/04 (Credit: Ashley) Maroon 5 opened and then John came out with a zip-up sweater on. After a couple of songs he took off the sweater and put on a button-up shirt. He proceeded to say, "You know before I come onstage I get the Maroon 5 weather report. You know they tell me how the crowd was, what the weather is like. James told me it was brisk onstage. He forgot to mention how steamy the crowd is." » San Diego, CA (Credit: Elizabeth) "The encore is just an excuse for all the pussies here to leave early so they dont get caught in traffic...shit i think I just called half of the paying customers pussies..oh well" » San Diego, CA (Credit: Nicki) (Making fun of Maroon5) She will be loved..and she will be loved...but first she'll be highly medicated and then she will be loved..." » Santa Barbara, CA (Credit: Jess) "Doesn't it scare you, your will is not as strong, as it used to be" changed to "doesn't it PISS YOU OFF" during "Back to You" "Oh good, I've been using toothpaste, actually" after a fan handed him a bottle of massage oil. "I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillow case," changed to "I love the shape you take when my balls are in your face." during "Your Body is a Wonderland" » Saratoga, NY (Credit: Caroline) "I appreciate your enthusiasm Saratoga, but that's, that's a lot of words", after Johns guitarist suggested the crowd sing the chorus to "shining star" "So lately I've had some interviewers ask me when I started to play blues, and I would say when do I play blues? and they would go on about how come back to bed is a blues song..No it's not, Bitch this is a blues song!" Breaks into a 5 minutes blues solo » Selma, TX (Credit: Unknown Name) "Hey that kid is holding two beers...that's the coolest thing I've ever seen." » Sunfest 2003 West Palm Beach (Credit: DudeJr24) "It's nice to look at all these beautiful girls and think to myself 'hey! I'm not gay!' " » Sydney, Australia 4/17/04 (Credit: Mya) Looking into the audience and how far up the crowd went he asked "aren't you guys scared sitting that far up? You can touch the ceiling"... then being cheeky added "even my balls are lifting up in my sack just looking up that far"! The guys always think he's trying to take their girls away... "I'm not trying to take them away from you, I just want to play around with them for a while". "Oh, you've got a ring? That's alright, I'll take it - heck I'll wear it!" » Tallahasse, FL (Credit: Melissa) Right before "No Such Thing", "I dedicate this song to myself...the coolest motherf**cker from Fairfield, Connecticut." » Waltham, MA (Credit: Memtree) A fan screams "I want your babies" JM: "You realise, that's what I'm talking about! You got a girl, she's probably gorgeous screaming "I want your babies". I promise you if I was standing in front of you...sporting the condom right in front of you...like this...and I was like "ok, let's do it", you'd totally run away and you'd tell all your friends I was just a bastard. I'm telling you, you don't want my babies. There's sex involvement in there. Now think about the point A to the point B, to the point C section." » Wantah, NY (Credit: Christina, Ellen Kelly) "I'm sorry. I had too much blackout milk backstage." "Between every song I keep looking down and thinking 'shit I should tie my shoe!' but you know I'm not gonna because I dont wanna stop the momentum, I gotta keep the pace, i mean i shouldn't even be talking about tying shoes, it has nothing to do with playing a rock show! But you know I like it, I like it, left shoe untied...it's sexy." After adding random verses into songs, "You know I don't think I'm playing protocol but thats okay I kinda like it. You'll have to excuse me, I've been drinking too much of that blackout milk. Now I want you to know I just came up with that now, in the last two seconds, it's not like I was thinking about that in the dressing room or anything." » Washington (Credit: Kit Kat, Brita) "Sometimes I think I'm like a woman or something. You know all PMSy and shit. You know, when you're just not interested in sex for like 3 weeks at a time, and it's like here's a napkin, draw me a picture cause I just don't get it. And I just had that for the last 3 weeks or so, and I just wanted to let everyone know.... I'm back" "This is a beautiful piece of land. May I buy it?" » Ypsilanti, MI (Credit: Jackie) After taking a drink from his water bottle, "See people think its weird seeing me down a bottle of water, I have never submitted to peer pressure; smoking, drinking etc. But I say raise the bottle and drink away!" Magazine, TV and unknown Quotes » The Carson Daly Show (Credit: Memtree) "The thing about a dream is...you dream certain parts and the other bits you leave out. Like girls coming up and like, throwing themselves at you. You dream about that but you don't dream that when it actually happens you're like, maybe you should cover that up..you become very paternal. It's not the same girl...it's not the face...it's not fantasy girl anymore...it's like, don't you think you should...put that back on?" "And then you always dream about being famous. My dream was like, I would go to the mall and be too famous I'm going to have to leave...but now, you're never too famous. You're like a little bit famous, to like one person. And for everyone one person who knows me, there's like 10 who don't. So it's really embarrassing when someone comes up to you, there's like 4 more people behind going like (imitates a female) 'Who is he?' That is so weird! You see, 'Call the kids, find out who he is!' Then they come up 'Who are you? I saw the kids, they were going crazy! Who are you?'...It's so uncomfortable, it's like 'Nobody! I'm Jason Mraz, move on'" » Portland, Oregon Radio Station They asked him if it is true that he signs things "your body is a taco stand" He said that is true, he has never autographed anything "your body is a wonderland". "You wanna know why, you wanna know why, you wanna know why? Because John Mayer ain't no BITCH". During the interview, a listener phoned in with a bone to pick with John. Turns out a guitar system this guy went back to purchase at a store in Beaverton, Oregon was gone and they told him that John Mayer purchased it the day before. John said that's right and he loves it. He says to the guy that he used it to record a song in his hotel room for the B side of Bigger than my Body. Then adds, "if you want to hear the system you almost owned, check out a song called 'Tracing' on the CD single." Then John being John adds, "I stole your system, Next time I'm in town, I'll be back to steal your girlfiend." » Unknown Concert (Credit: Ana) right before singing come back to bed for the first time and messing up "This is my show and I do what i want. We're trying that again." » St. Paul Park, MN Radio Station (Credit: Bill) While on the radio promoting Heavier Things, the DJs recommended everyone run out and buy two copies of it. John suggested..."Or you could just go home, put on a bunch of clothes until all of your skin is covered except for your face. Then take shoe polish and cover your face with it until its completely black and then sit in front of your computer and see if you can buy it on line." » Unknown Magazine Interviewer: "You've just come offstange after a sold out show and you're feeling manly and virile. Which rock goddess would you most like to find backstage wearing nothing but a smile?" Mayer: "There's something about Mariah Carey. She's super hot and people don't realize how much influence she's had. But I don't watch TV and think, "I want to be with them." I'd rather beat off in the shower to my school teacher from the second grade or whatever. It's just so much more possible." » VH1's I Love the 80's (1986) (Credit: Dina) About Top Gun: "There was a shadowy tongue kiss that, as a kid, gave me a tingly feeling, and I didn't know what it was. I still don't - what was it?" » Launch.com interview (Credit: Amy) "Most girls who scream 'i love you I wanna have your baby' are screaming that in a more recreational, kinda like sportsman spectator way, and if you were like 'i don't have a condom,' you know, they'd run." » Star Magazine November 2003 Issue (Credit: Amy) John on ambition- "I've had that feeling with me my whole life, that feeling of 'I'll show you.'" Credit: Andrea for all below » Teen People "I was visiting my mother's cousin and I had to go to the bathroom. While I was there, the tiolet flooded. I quickly tried to do the inverted bag trick-where you turn the bag inside out- and pick up my poo and throw it in the [waste] basket. I put it in the shower behind the curtain. My mom came with a plunger to help me, but the next day, I saw that she had taken the basket out of the shower and emptied it outside. I think that was the moment that I knew she really loved me." "[My fans] are probably the people who had to bounce around to a couple of different lunch tables before they found one they could sit at. Not because they were strange, but because they were just a little ahead of their time. And I'm onstage being paid to tell him, "It's OK, I'm with you." » CosmoGirl "Something happens to you after you leave your parent's house-you start to decompress from this idea that you need permission for everything. It literally took a year of two for me to realize that you can make anything happen. When I moved to Atlanta from Boston, I did whatever I wanted. It was liberating." "I never liked the idea of someone else giving me a job. There's something really instant about playing music. It's the most self-sufficient job in the world. All you have to do is decide you're a musician and you can begin that night. In high school, a special thing happened to me from three o'clock on. I would just play the guitar-to me, it was like being able to fly." "I'm looking for my ideal soul mate. That is somebody who is confident enought to feel love at a moment when love is not being given. A lot of times, I feel like I'm on the road to support a family I don't even have yet. I don't have to tour as much as I do, but I want to for that future family." » Seventeen Still, the currently single crooner admits he has a short attention span when it comes to romance. "If Ritalin would make me love the same girl for a long time, point me to the nearest CVS." "When you have all these people going against you-parents, guidance counselors, etc.- you develop this sort of confidence that keeps you standing and makes you turn around and walk away when they say, 'You can't do it'. I still wake up in the morning and say 'Let's go nail the Craig Kilborn show!" "The more I want someone to understand what I'm saying, the more I screw it up in any realm other than music. i don't really know how to represent myself in a way that makes people say, 'Wow, that was a really cool guy.'" » Unknown Origin (Credit: Noelle) for christmas i want... world peace. but, ya know, only for the good countries. for the bad countries i just want some sort of, ya know, maybe a bowel disorder..." Have a quote from a concert? Let us know!